Extract From The New Revised Handbook To Valence In Anglophone Given Names

Abigail: freckled woman in disproportionately good spirits.

Benjamin: hale and hearty, strong as an oak. There is astoundingly little difference in valence between "Benjamin" and its offshoot "Ben"--perhaps "Ben" finds himself patronized a little more often?

Carrie: while the unfortunate association with telekinesis continues, the name has perhaps emerged the stronger from the ordeal. We all think a little longer before offending a "Carrie".

Damian: likewise carries a demonic tone--but only suffered as a result. "Damian" is universally supposed to be fiendish and disposed to malcontentment.

Eleanor: stately, in a word. Stateliness not being much in fashion, "Eleanor" is not much in fashion.

Frederick: distinguished, yet somehow irresponsible. "Frederick" has no doubt squandered his own best assets. Currently operating at a total disconnect from "Fred" (though not "Freddie").

Gail: not an easy name to apply to a child, for it is almost impossible to imagine a "Gail" who is not a mid-level career woman in paisley scarves.

Harold: associated particularly with the sportcoat. Even "Harry" retains something of this.

Ingrid: a deeply unattractive name universally applied to universally attractive women.

Justin: there is a rich "Justin" and a poor "Justin", but none in between. What the two share is a tendency towards an indistinct yet palpable weakness.

Katherine: imperious where "Catherine" is accomodating. The bold assertions of a "Katherine" often shade to passive-aggressivity in a "Kate".

Leonard: redolent of angularity and jaundice. As an escape from this, any "Leonard" can readily find a number of equidistant alternatives: the arthritic "Leo", the apish "Lenny", and tactiturn "Len".

Mildred: silent, appears vicious--but friendly enough if approached. No-one knows a Mildred, though everyone knows someone who knows a Mildred.

Nathan: unfortunate tendency towards obesity despite a healthy diet.

Oona: sheer feather-headed impracticality. Gains medieval cachet when spelled "Una".

Patrick: cordially disliked by his own friends, yet never goes friendless. "Pat" is worse still--but "Rick" is well-liked and nicely avoids any such problems.

Quinn: not actually a given name. Anyone claiming to be called "Quinn" has another, less fortunate given name that they will yield under intense questioning.

Roger: not overly predisposed to mate or rear progeny, and thus on the wane.

Sara: neutrality with overtones of hostile acquiescence. Adding an "h" subtracts IQ points.

Tobin: ragged t-shirts, unruly hair, a handsome face, and an unruly gut.

Ursula: psychic fragility ensures an opportunistic cycle of obscene jokes.

Victor: malodorous. Overly inclined to take his name literally.

Wanda: astonishingly few and far between considering the goodwill one can inspire.

Xavier: partakes of none of the strangeness of the "X"; a solid name with a twinge of heroism.

Yolanda: a solid mane of hair.

Zachary: beloved of his parents, neutral to the point of invisibility for anyone else. "Zach" helps somewhat, but "Zack" exacerbates the problem by removing mother-love from the equation.