12 Unasked-For Suggestions For A Proposed Prime-Time Soap Opera

1.
Include at least two heroes who work at cross-purposes. Not that they are opposed, or antagonistic, but simply that they have mutually exclusive goals. A nice sort of affective suspension results.

2.
A five member action-grouping, as follows:

• The bland leader (for projection purposes)


• The melancholy second-in-command (the acceptable face of a rejected "other")


• The woman (a sublimated sex object, resolutely bubbly)


• The big man (the doltish foil, implicitly the despised flesh-body)


• The pixie (a memory of the infant self, indeterminate gender and all)

Younger audiences respond well to this configuration. Their elders will enjoy the quote.

3.
Exclude family ties as a working motivation. As an armature, a set of initial relationship positions, fine...but no intelligent viewer can be expected to sympathize with ancestries, or with rigid links that interfere with individual initiatives.

4.
Mine the great literary devil-visits...Karamazov, naturally, and Mann's Doctor Faustus. Any interesting person will be visited by interesting devils now and again.

5.
A conscious play of spatial concerns. Take it from a specialist, landscape is paramount! Any expression can be safely removed from the mouths of the characters and placed into production design. If you're planning on projecting into the near future, make a future out of untoward conjunctions rather than Swiss design. Likewise, even the movement of actors through space can serve as a tracery of allegorical propositions.

6.
Satyr-plays. Obsessively re-enact the main concerns of the narrative on a humorized micro-scale. No, I don't mean Johnny playing with a cap-gun as his mother ponders a loaded revolver. You can do better than that.

7.
Carefully scale all plot interventions. Consciously under-size or ill-fit the ostensible concerns--deaths, financial troubles, mutilation--in order to retain the essential physics of the narrative.

8.
If dealing with corporations, here's a thought--a corporation uncomfortable with its own heroics. A corporation that does good out of strict necessity, not caring to publish the fact.

9.
Characters who are physical travesties. They could at some far point be shocked into beauty; they may have already been altered irrevocably from their former beauty. For the moment, they are travesties and there is nothing to be done about it.

10.
Avoid a moral or realist take on drug use, instead striving to duplicate the moral-realist matrix of contradictory reactions and opinions typically present in the minds of drug users.

11.
Those currently seeking to bring the telenovela to the Anglophones plan to abandon the most vital attributes of the genre. Please remedy this and give these Anglophones what they really want: strongly emotive acting and reams of extraneous plot material.

12.
Plot for indelible acts and images, each wholly singular, rather than elaborated verbal confrontations. As characters meet, they silently fight and mate in ways heretofore unimagined.

Life With Menilmontant

“Menilmontant, why did you ski on discarded lengths of gutter?”
“Menilmontant, why did you golf with an iron compounded of stick, tin can, and twine?”
“Menilmontant, why did you at-bat on a field based by magazines, bounded by couches, swinging to knock out a pewter keepsake?”
“’Cause Papa told me to, my dear.”

Retractile Tourism

Jersey recently took some time to acquaint me with the wonderful Gowanus Canal and the quaint structures that grace it. Chief among them is the famed Carroll Street Bridge:



A mere twist of the neck and you catch this view:



Jersey had heard that the silage visible here was now con-dominial; a recent number of the New Yorker, however, appears to indicate that hootenannies are held there. Won't someone knock on the door and let me know for sure either way?

Humours

We arrived at this schema over the course of a long May night and several Rosicrucians (one part rosewater, two parts gin), deep in the KirWash neighborhood of Somerville.

Enjoy:

bile--brake fluid
blood--coolant
phlegm--transmission fluid
black bile--motor oil

Open Letter To The IIST

1.
One does no favors to the "infinitely small thing" by making it monumental--honor it by making it part of a landscape's legitimate physics (functionalizing it as a part in a machined assembly, or 'storicizing it as a narrative player).

2.
To increase a screw, then, do not blow it up to 6 feet--draw a diagram of its workaday action (repose in a mouldering box; cycloid patterns when kicked on the street; suitable locations for its use in the writer's home).

3.
A particular is never straightforward--contrary to geometry, only tight convolutions can join to build a working simplicity.

Specials At Johnny's

"Tide 4.99
Bumble Bee .78
Dancing Bull 7.99"

Local Marvels Of The Urban Fabric

1.

Pet Architecture has made it to the States.




2.

The Porterhouse is all well and good, but there are more subtle structural wonders.



3.
Come stay awhile on...the Owl Farm.

"They Queue All Day Like Dragons Of Disgust"

Volumes have been written about the flagpole of the Zocalo--but won't a simple picture suffice? (Courtesy Mr. Chop.)

Mail Call!

Reader "Crallspace" responded to the list in "Cornu" (way back on March 23) with an item of his own:

"5. Microstoria is a great minimal electronics project, containing half of Mouse on Mars and half of Oval. Their tones and buzzes are likened to groups like TV POW and their following has everyone from scientists to junkies.

---just adding my number to the list. Found you via a similar "favorite music" in the profile. Microstoria is awesome!"

I'm afraid you're on the wrong track. I'm not talking about "Microstoria" the band (they sound interesting, though!), but the work of Italian composers Piero Calpini, Barbara Turcoletti, Ambrosio Scherma, et al. Their works, for the most part short, flowery art songs paired with enigmatic quasi-fictional spoken texts, were theorized in the early part of the Twentieth Century as a sort of romantic leftist rejoinder to the Futurists. Such works are commonly referred to as..."microstoria".

Thanks for reading, Dan!

On a more serious note, reader Mr. Chop writes:

"Actually, I remember the center fielder fell down catching a fly ball and someone popped up a bunt. So much for fundamentals. I realize now that when I made the comment, I was simply repeating what people say about the WNBA: it's more of a team game than what you find in the thuggish NBA, etc. But women softball players definitely hustle. And group huddle."

Mr. Chop is referring, of course, to April 2's "Fast-Pitch". It's true: when men deign to take notice of women's sport at all, it is either to essentialize it as an ideal "other" that remediates the failures of men's sport through "feminine" modes of being (collaboration vs. show-offing, polite striving vs. self-satisfied entitlement), or to sexualize it sub rosa through the surreptitious operations of the male gaze.

I apologize for any errors in this regard and wish to simply state my support for any and all efforts to fully enforce Title IX.

Moving along, reader "Jen X" writes in regard to April 5's "Chapulines" post:

"wait, what does that mean? and if you blog less how will i pass the boring moments at work?"

Jen, me and "the boys" are still working this all out. It's important to do what's right for all of us.

If I have been prevented from posting on a given day, I would recommend that you:

1. Draw a picture
2. Chew a stick of gum
3. Sing a song
4. Look out the window for a while

These activities will occupy the same amount of time and prove equally diverting.

In regard to the same post, reader Elizabeth has this to say:

"Yay for eating grasshoppers!!! But honestly, I hope they're not still in your GI tract...."

I hope by now it's clear that they are. It's not all bad, really. Elizabeth also notes:

"Why so much security on your comments!?! I don't know if it posted my first comment or not! I'm going to keep using exclamation points until I find out!!!! [shaking fist]"

I want you all to know that this level of security is, in fact, strictly necessary. I wonder if you have any idea what that's like.


...In any case, your continued support is appreciated.

"The Fence That Skirts The Tree"

Some thoughtless folks build fences right through a tree. When the time comes for the fence to go, the extrication is painful, costly, and time-consuming. Here is a saner alternative.

Chapulines

A notice to our readership:

The grasshoppers living in our editor's GI tract have informed him that he is "blogging" too hard.

We will try to remedy this problem in the future by "blogging" less and "repping" more.

-Bill

I Will Abroad

"I struck the board, and cried, No more.
I will abroad.
What? shall I ever sigh and pine?
My lines and life are free; free as the road,
Loose as the wind, as large as store.
Shall I be still in suit?
Have I no harvest but a thorn
To let me blood, and not restore
What I have lost with cordial fruit?
Sure there was wine
Before my sighs did dry it: there was corn
Before my tears did drown it.
Is the year only lost to me?
Have I no bays to crown it?
No flowers, no garlands gay? All blasted?
All wasted?
Not so, my heart: but there is fruit,
And thou hast hands.
Recover all thy sigh-blown age
On double pleasures: leave thy cold dispute
Of what is fit, and not. Forsake thy cage,
Thy rope of sands,
Which petty thoughts have made, and made to thee
Good cable, to enforce and draw,
And be thy law,
While thou didst wink and wouldst not see.
Away; take heed:
I will abroad.
Call in thy death's head there: tie up thy fears.
He that forbears
To suit and serve his need,
Deserves his load.
But as I raved and grew more fierce and wild
At every word,
Me thoughts I heard one calling, Child:
And I replied, My Lord."

-George Herbert, "The Collar"

Screenplay No. 2 (For Your Consideration)

Composed of shots rapidly going down a staircase. Staircase should preferably be one steep flight into a residential cellar. A sense of panic is desired, an impression of continuously falling down the stairs. Either a contraption can be devised for the camera to be pushed down the stairs in, or the cameraman can simply run down as quickly and manically as possible. Oh, a turn of some sort on the stairs is needed (an even 90 degrees would be ideal). The shots should be sequenced thusly: a shot fades in fairly quickly, at the beginning of its downstairs run. The next shot begins, fading in at the same speed, superimposed on the first image when near the end of the run. As the first shot reaches the end, it goes black for a moment and disappears. This cycles long enough to get the effect across but not long enough to become tedious; let the director exercise heris judgement. No soundtrack; B+W or poor-quality color stock.

Castafiore

"Ah! je ris de me voir
si belle en ce miroir,
Ah! je ris de me voir
si belle en ce miroir,
Est-ce toi, Marguerite, est-ce toi?
Réponds-moi, réponds-moi,
Réponds, réponds, réponds vite!
Non! Non! ce n’est plus toi!
Non...non, ce n’est plus ton visage;
C’est la fille d’un roi;
Ce n’est plus toi,
Qu’on salut au passage!
Ah s’il était ici!
S’il me voyait ainsi!
Comme une demoiselle
Il me trouverait belle, Ah!
Comme une demoiselle,
Il me trouverait belle!
Achevons la métamorphose,
Il me tarde encor d’essayer
Le bracelet it le collier!
Dieu! c’est comme une main,
Qui sur mon bras se pose! ah! ah!
Ah! je ris
de me voir si belle dans ce miroir!"

Extract From The New Revised Handbook To Valence In Anglophone Given Names

Abigail: freckled woman in disproportionately good spirits.

Benjamin: hale and hearty, strong as an oak. There is astoundingly little difference in valence between "Benjamin" and its offshoot "Ben"--perhaps "Ben" finds himself patronized a little more often?

Carrie: while the unfortunate association with telekinesis continues, the name has perhaps emerged the stronger from the ordeal. We all think a little longer before offending a "Carrie".

Damian: likewise carries a demonic tone--but only suffered as a result. "Damian" is universally supposed to be fiendish and disposed to malcontentment.

Eleanor: stately, in a word. Stateliness not being much in fashion, "Eleanor" is not much in fashion.

Frederick: distinguished, yet somehow irresponsible. "Frederick" has no doubt squandered his own best assets. Currently operating at a total disconnect from "Fred" (though not "Freddie").

Gail: not an easy name to apply to a child, for it is almost impossible to imagine a "Gail" who is not a mid-level career woman in paisley scarves.

Harold: associated particularly with the sportcoat. Even "Harry" retains something of this.

Ingrid: a deeply unattractive name universally applied to universally attractive women.

Justin: there is a rich "Justin" and a poor "Justin", but none in between. What the two share is a tendency towards an indistinct yet palpable weakness.

Katherine: imperious where "Catherine" is accomodating. The bold assertions of a "Katherine" often shade to passive-aggressivity in a "Kate".

Leonard: redolent of angularity and jaundice. As an escape from this, any "Leonard" can readily find a number of equidistant alternatives: the arthritic "Leo", the apish "Lenny", and tactiturn "Len".

Mildred: silent, appears vicious--but friendly enough if approached. No-one knows a Mildred, though everyone knows someone who knows a Mildred.

Nathan: unfortunate tendency towards obesity despite a healthy diet.

Oona: sheer feather-headed impracticality. Gains medieval cachet when spelled "Una".

Patrick: cordially disliked by his own friends, yet never goes friendless. "Pat" is worse still--but "Rick" is well-liked and nicely avoids any such problems.

Quinn: not actually a given name. Anyone claiming to be called "Quinn" has another, less fortunate given name that they will yield under intense questioning.

Roger: not overly predisposed to mate or rear progeny, and thus on the wane.

Sara: neutrality with overtones of hostile acquiescence. Adding an "h" subtracts IQ points.

Tobin: ragged t-shirts, unruly hair, a handsome face, and an unruly gut.

Ursula: psychic fragility ensures an opportunistic cycle of obscene jokes.

Victor: malodorous. Overly inclined to take his name literally.

Wanda: astonishingly few and far between considering the goodwill one can inspire.

Xavier: partakes of none of the strangeness of the "X"; a solid name with a twinge of heroism.

Yolanda: a solid mane of hair.

Zachary: beloved of his parents, neutral to the point of invisibility for anyone else. "Zach" helps somewhat, but "Zack" exacerbates the problem by removing mother-love from the equation.

Fast-Pitch

Engrossed in a women's softball game you happen to pass while strolling a park, several edifying reflections concerning "base" sports might suddenly come to you. They are hardly original--they are, perhaps, sentiments you have heard but had heretofore found no particular application for. You might marvel at the vociferous camaraderie, and note the contrast with a corps of still and spectating teammates stirred only by some particular voice. You might gape at the imposing windmill enacted by the pitcher--how that woman pitcher's furious vitality contrasts with the rangy, impassive hurl practiced by the professional male. You might spy in the flesh the "solid grasp of fundamentals" that you had not known enough to miss in the first place.

I encourage all of you to attend a local women's softball game.